The Little Girl That I Used To Be
There are many things that have changed in my life ever since I become independent. I can make my own decisions. I can be a better person if I want to, I have to admit it that I have a horrible past. I am a product of a broken family or should I say, a second family as I tackled it on my biggest regrets.
My childhood was not the typical happy and carefree childhood many of you have. I am always careful with the words that I utter and I am always limited in my actions. I feel like I am no equal to my cousins. I feel like an outcast in the family. I feel bad and sad when I was a child.
I learned that my family is not the first and legal family of my father. Once in a while, those memories are still lingering in my mind. I am hurt, but I am brave enough to face it when I was young. I also learned that I have 5 other siblings; 4 sisters and a brother. It could have been a very exciting childhood, learning that I am not the eldest in the family and I have 4 big sisters! With that, I can go carefree as I want to be and play with my big sisters. My expectations did not happen, pains keep hurting me and so as hard and terrible words that pierced my heart.
I’ve kept those pains in my heart, but I later realized that it is not helping me. So, I decided to move on- slowly but surely. Time has passed and wounds are healing. My sisters and I are having a little conversation through Facebook. At first, it was a very awkward moment. Yes, can you imagine it? I don’t know about them.
When we saw each other in person, it was a few years ago and we talked to each other but not like a normal sister-bonding moment. Maybe, it is normal in our case. I am very thankful in their response and acceptance. It is so hard to be in this situation, trust me.
Sometimes, I am thinking of visiting my sisters or do some bonding with them, but I am skeptical about it in due respect to their mother. Maybe, one of these days I will have the guts of doing it. My father’s mistake has hurt a lot of people, but I know God has a plan for everything.
Right now, we communicate regularly via Facebook and I think our wounds deep inside our hearts are totally healed. I can truly say that I moved on from my terrible past and my post about my biggest regret had just ended.
I am not anymore that little girl that I used to be… I will not let my past situation dictate who am I going to be. I am now a woman- tough, confident and wiser.